Relationships, Infidelity and its major causes
WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP?
A good relationship is built on a solid foundation of friendship. It is one of true partnership in every way. There are no specific male or female roles. Finances are shared, and plans of every kind are made jointly.
Since the nature of our interactions with others pretty much determines the quality of our experience, it would seem to be in our best interest to make these relationships as good as possible. Of course, good is a relative term. Some of you might interpret this to mean that you should only hang out with the super pious.
To others, it could mean having friends who are loads of fun. However, that is not what I am talking about. I am sure you have people in your life who are naughty, or boring, or both. I certainly would not want you to cut them off. (Well, maybe just the boring ones.) What I mean by a good relationship is one that you approach consciously; where the participants behave in a manner congruent with their values. This type of relationship is based on kindness and compassion and is mutually beneficial and satisfying.
Incidentally, this is what we strive for, not only with our soul mate or favourite aunt, but also with our chief competition at work and the quasi-sadistic meter maid who writes up a ticket while you are searching the bottom of your purse for a quarter. Ideally, you should approach every encounter with a sense of presence and awareness. Note I said "ideally." Of course, it does not happen all the time (it certainly does not with me), but it is not an unreasonable goal, and is nothing new.
WHAT CAUSES INFIDELITY?
In other words, how do you know if your current relationship the one that you’re looking for, or if you should move on?
Deciding if a relationship is right for you can be filled with uncertainty, in part because these relationships are so complex. A dynamic emerges between two people in a long-term relationship: an “us” forms at the intersection of “me” and “you.” This dynamic, this “us,” reflects each partner’s own personality, expectations, and behaviours. Further, each partner’s thoughts and actions affect the other’s partner and sometimes this influence is evenly distributed between partners but sometimes it’s unbalanced. Finally, relationships operate within a social context, adding another dimension to an already complicated experience. The “shoulds” of who to love and how to love can be a part of the puzzle.
Studies show that although adults in the United States (other than those in polyamory or open relationships) generally expect sexual monogamy in their relationships, up to 20% will engage in extramarital sex at some point. Affairs happen for myriad reasons, but one main reason appears to be relationship dissatisfaction. In general, a successful relationship requires feelings of stability and security, physical and emotional intimacy, and companionship. When any one of these is deficient, one or both partners are likely to feel dissatisfied, and dissatisfaction in a relationship can increase the likelihood of infidelity.
Adultery does not always occur as a result of relationship dissatisfaction, though. Sometimes a partner may enter an affair based on personal dissatisfaction or for the personal gratification of obtaining an ego boost, a new sexual experience, or shared emotional intimacy.
Some of the reasons a person may engage in infidelity include:
Low self-esteem
Opportunity
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Primary relationship dissatisfaction
As an exit strategy to end the primary relationship
A lack of emotional intimacy in the primary relationship
Sex addiction
Avoidance of personal or relationship problems
Depression.
Statistically, men are almost 80% more likely than women to have engaged in adultery, and living in a larger city increases the odds that an incidence of infidelity will occur by almost 50%. Infidelity is also more common among the young, with twice as many cases of infidelity reported among those aged 18–30 as those over the age of 50.
Some researchers point out that sexual monogamy is not common in the animal world but is instead a construct of human beings that tends to conflict with the biological desire for multiple sexual partners. Despite this fact, a large number of people continue to aspire to such ideals, and many cultures throughout the world demand sexual fidelity by harshly punishing those who stray.
TYPES OF INFIDELITY
Several different types of infidelity can occur in a relationship.
An object affair can be described as the neglect of a relationship for the sake of pursuing an outside interest.
This pursuit may reach a point of near-obsession.
In a sexual affair, one partner may have sexual intercourse outside the relationship, but he or she generally experiences no emotional attachment to the other person. Studies show that men have a more difficult time forgiving a sexual affair than women do: women appear to be more likely to forgive extramarital intimacy when emotions are not involved.
A cyber affair, or infidelity committed through sexts and chats, may remain entirely online and never reach the point of sexual intimacy. This type of affair might also include the viewing of pornography, which some people consider to be a form of infidelity.
An emotional affair occurs when one partner becomes emotionally attached to another person, generally of the gender to whom one is attracted. In an emotional affair, a person might spend hours chatting online or talking on the phone to someone other than his or her partner. An emotional affair can have a negative effect on a relationship because a person engaged in emotional infidelity often discusses relationship problems with the object of his or her attachment, rather than with his or her partner. Sexual intercourse is usually not part of an emotional affair.
An affair might also combine sexual and emotional intimacy. This is generally considered to be a secondary relationship, and most would view this as infidelity.
What one person considers infidelity may not be considered infidelity by others. For example, a person might not consider his or her partner’s viewing of pornography to be cheating, while another person might consider it to be infidelity and experience feelings of inadequacy as a result of the disclosure.
Some view infidelity as sexual intercourse outside the relationship and therefore may not consider emotional affairs to be cheating. However, this type of infidelity may be more detrimental to a relationship than physical infidelity, as an emotional affair might indicate that the partner committing the infidelity is no longer invested in the relationship. It can be helpful for partners in a relationship to discuss their views and expectations around monogamy and relationships outside of the primary relationship early in their relationship to avoid future disagreements or transgressions.
unfaithfulness in a marriage or committed relationship- can severely strain a relationship and the individuals involved. One partner’s affair can leave the other person feeling devastated, alone, betrayed, jealous, confused, and aggrieved. Sometimes, an affair ends a relationship, and other times couples are able to repair the relationship on their own or with the help of a therapist, often making the relationship stronger as a result.
Cheating is lying. Plain and simple. Cheating is the breaking of an agreement, and not discussing the changes to the agreement up front. (yes, this can happen in non-monogamous and open relationships as well.) I am an educator and psychotherapist, specializing in helping couples open up their relationships and explore non monogamy. One of the most important things is the verbal agreements we make with each other. We discuss our desires whether it be as simple as attractions to others to our desires to completely change the rules of our agreement, and everything in between. Not always an easy task. An ethical relationship involves open and up front discussions of all feelings and matters. When we cheat, we break the agreement without discussion, thus making cheating the easy way out.
Cheating is the easy way out. Cheating is a cowardly move because you don’t have to discuss any difficult feelings with your partner. Herein lies the rub for the non-cheater. Many relationships don’t have an open discussion policy built into their relationship. This is where the non-cheater may have some responsibility. Do they encourage open conversations? Are they quick to judge? Fostering a relationship where open discussions about most matters of the heart is one of the best ways to foster honesty in each other.
The cheater needs to be the healer. In order to repair the relationship, the cheater must initiate the healing in the relationship. The victim, the one who was cheated on, must take care of themselves now and give the cheater the baton, so to speak. While still being present for the relationship, fostering that open communication, the non-cheater must now find a balance between healing from the trauma of rejection and lies, the pain of being hurt and taking some responsibility as to their criticism and judgment in the relationship.
The cheater may cheat again. The addiction school of thought see cheating as an illness, like a sex addiction. Think Tiger Woods, who checked himself into rehab after his wife found out he was cheating with other women. This thinking prepares the non-cheating partner for the ride. The key is not to get on. The cheater is on the journey to find his/her way out. Simply abstaining from cheating, while a good first step, won’t heal the wounds that caused the cheating in the first place. The cheater needs to look at his/her behavior patterns, learn to communicate with his/her partner about what would be most helpful to feel connected, and lead the conversations which lead to more openness.
Cheating in healthy relationships is often a sign that something needs to change. If the cheater can take charge of the healing, and the non-cheater can allow this to take place with patience and non-judgement, the new version of the relationship may be a complete shift of balance. Changing patterns is not easy. If things don’t shift dramatically in a relationship, the cheating may happen again. But as they say, if you fall, dust yourself off and try again. Slipping, falling and failing are the elements of true growth, and on the other side may be great insight, success and even the evolution of a true friendship.
CASE EXAMPLES OF INFIDELITY
Determining whether or not to separate: Dom and Alice enter couple’s counselling after Dom reveals he has a mistress, whom he is unsure he is ready to stop seeing. Alice is angry and depressed, feeling she should leave the marriage but she’s “still in love with Dom.” The therapist forms an agreement with the couple that they will decide whether to continue the marriage or dissolve it within one month. Dom breaks off his affair, but is still very ambivalent. The therapist helps the couple uncover long-standing problems with intimacy in their marriage, and Dom admits to other, previous affairs. Dom and Alice are both recommended for simultaneous, separate individual therapy – Dom, to work on his compulsions, and Alice to work through feelings of inadequacy and anger. After several months, Alice decides she needs a trial separation, and Dom admits he is still having an affair; however, they continue therapy together. Dom finally ends his affair, and one year later, the couple reunites and begins picking up the pieces with help from the therapist.
THERAPY FOR INFIDELITY
A therapist can serve as a supportive listener as each partner expresses his or her emotions regarding the infidelity and can help the couple determine their needs and future goals for the relationship, whether they choose to maintain or end it. If the couple wishes to maintain the relationship, a therapist can assist them by helping each partner discover his or her level of commitment to the relationship, teaching the partners skills for repairing trust, and guiding the couple through the process of healing.
A therapist can also help clarify the true nature of the relationship by encouraging an open evaluation of the relationship’s strengths and weaknesses. If unhealthy patterns exist, such as codependency, emotional abuse, or repeated affairs, the therapist may call these into question. In addition, therapy can help those people who feel they are to blame for the infidelity of their partners to work through those feelings and obtain new perspectives.
When a couple decides to end the relationship, a therapist can still be of assistance to both parties. The partner who was betrayed may find it beneficial to discuss his or her feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, and anger, and a therapist can also assist in helping him or her cope with the trauma of the loss of a partner. The partner who committed the infidelity may feel regret and wish to understand what caused him or her to pursue an affair. If the individual had an affair after realising the relationship was not satisfying, for example, a therapist can help him or her determine ways to communicate feelings of dissatisfaction more effectively so that he or she does not repeat the behaviour.
You can also consult a therapist that is very good and qualified with great results, in taking care of infidelity.
Mail-robertcartercasting@outlook.com
Finding out if infidelity is for sure
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